Are you sure you’ve never felt guilty about anything in your life?

“I never had guidance to begin with.” I 

I was once the studious kid who dreamt of becoming a scientist because I loved building things out of scrap.

Later, I became that book-obsessed teenager who believed research was my destiny.

Then chemistry fascinated me enough to imagine myself doing research in it—especially after learning about psoriasis. I genuinely wanted to work on its treatment, but by the time I understood what choosing bio actually meant, it was too late. I realised importance of JEE and NEET even later.

College followed. I started writing review articles on Quantum Dots.

And then, it all started feeling empty and boring.

My research teammates disappeared one by one. The professor I had approached never asked me to continue. And my only friend, Sanskar, drifted without a goal—like most people there, honestly. Their only aim was to pass time on their parents’ money.

Meanwhile, I was riding a second-hand bicycle to college, teaching tuitions, freelancing whatever I could, scraping together enough to pay my fees.

I didn’t even know scholarships existed—free ones at that.

How far can an introvert go without guidance?

Eventually, I chose freelancing—computers instead of chemistry. Survival pays better than passion when passion leads nowhere. Chemistry had the beauty of uncertainty, but uncertainty doesn’t pay rent.

I appeared for CUET PG but never checked cutoffs. Instead, I took admission in MCA at IGNOU.

Neha, on the other hand, took a gap year for JAM and walked into IIT Gandhinagar.

I thought of giving CUET PG another shot but missed the exam day. I hadn’t prepared anyway.

Instead, I was studying for government exams I never cared about. My parents wanted it, but they never told me which exam. So I blindly studied history, civics—humanities. Now I don’t hate them anymore.

Bro, you’re overqualified for these exams”

 Lalit said, with that sarcastic smile that tells the truth no one wants to hear.

I was overwhelmed, multitasking life on autopilot. Someone suggested ITI. I joined.

And I chose stenography. Nothing seemed better, specially after knowing Alamara learned almost nothing in COPA.

Good experience for some people. A complete waste of time for me. Corrupt teachers can’t teach life lessons, and ITI was never meant for someone like me.

It was our lunch break in the park near NCCB, a BPO made just for survival. According to him, everyone talked nonsense except me.

I still remember how I ended up joining NCCB during my last days of ITI.

My plan? I’ll join the company where my ex works,

“At least it’s better than what ITI offers,” I added.

Unfortunately, my ex left the company right before I joined. So all the plans I made with Bilal fell apart before they could begin.

NCCB was great—for people like Bilal, who got a fixed salary despite barely working.

Policies changed overnight. The manager’s behaviour flipped every week. Even holidays were snatched away.

I was one of their best employees—20/20 scores, every test cleared.

But they were never the employer I needed.

They are very strict about leave policy. So strict that they even won’t give you the leaves granted to you as per the policy. Of course, I had photos of all policy pages where I signed.

One day, the team leader was not listening. So, I didn’t ask more and left the office 1hr before. TL didn’t notice.

” Manager asked on his scooty, his face covered like an assassin.

” I didn’t explain and quickly turned my back.

| Early - a policy term, tells you can go home 1 hour before the office timing, once a month. |

Manager: “You are the one who took early yesterday. Right?”

Ravi: “I asked, but you didn’t listen. Also I have the right as per the policy.”

Manager: “Ok, so you will not ask for permission? You also come late, go early. Is it your home?”

Manager: “Observe this guy for a week, if he changes then good else we have to fire him.”

They didn’t know I had plans to abscond in few days. My colleagues knew my plans as well.

First, I appeared in IGT — another MNC in Gurgaon, referred by Naukri App.

Bhawna, the quiet girl from FEA, offered to refer me to Concentrix. So I declined IGT.

I had cleared IGT’s interview. They offered 18k in hand, plus one-side cab, and wanted immediate joining.

But one week later, NCCB was supposed to pay me my first salary.

Yes. I traded future ₹18,000 salaries for ₹1,500.

Job Search

Sometimes life feels unbearably boring—nothing to do except overthink. And then, suddenly, opportunities arrive all at once, forcing you to choose.

Choosing is easy if you’re not a multitasker.

I realized something strange: among my FEA friends, I’m the only one who hasn’t started working yet. They all managed to land their first jobs at some point, while I’m still waiting for my MCA exams and ITI to finish.

“You want a government job, don’t you?” Lemta ma’am asked gently, her tone as polite as always.

“You have skill. Why are you here?” Yogesh asked later.

“Passing my time…” I gave him half the truth.

The full truth was different. I was there only to avoid depression.

That realization hit me hard: just one month left to decide what to do with my life. Anxious, I shared my thoughts with Sobhit.

“There’s a job offer in Rajasthan,” he said, “Twenty-plus salary and stay facilities.”

“Ok. Great. Lock it.” I interrupted before he finished.

The salary didn’t excite me half as much as the “stay” option. What I craved was freedom—freedom to make mistakes, to learn without fear. Something my mother would never understand.

A notice appeared in our official Steno group: Nokia, Samsung, and Myntra were coming to ITI with placement offers. Data entry jobs, electronics assembling jobs.

I didn’t believe it at first. Then they confirmed.

“Fourteen thousand,” one of them said.

I frowned. “But assembling should pay more. Besides, I have an MCA degree—equivalent to B.Tech.”

“We are hiring only ITI qualified” They won the argument.

It wasn’t an interview, really. More like an “ask-me” session. The candidates were already hired, all we had to do was clarify our doubts.

My interest leaned toward the assembling job, but their responses cornered me into choosing data entry. Walking out, I argued with myself—should qualifications really matter in skill-based work? One placement member handed me his number. “Send me your résumé,” he said, assuming me an exception.

My résumé still waits for his response. Huh.

MCA exams—done. Hopefully, no backlogs this time.

I even reached the exam hall on time, unlike last time when I was still at home studying while others writing in exam hall. I’ll never forget that day: I stood up at 1 PM, checked my admit card, and realized the exam had started at 10 AM. Not my fault though—this exam was an exception.

I’ve hated accounts and banking since Class 8. CP, SP, interests—no interest at all.

“It’ll take a month to learn the balance sheet,” Sohit had told me.

But I crammed it in one day—just before the exam. And the paper? Surprise! Not a single balance sheet question. Only general theory.

(Sohit, by the way, is an MSME entrepreneur, my former manager at BMC Institute, and currently my freelance client. I were supposed to discuss business plans in our meetings, but instead I’d pretend to be serious while enjoying the free fast food he offered. Lately, his restaurant has shut down. I still wonder why.)

I remember learning Tally in Class 10. It took me days, messing up the software, pressing all the wrong buttons despite my teacher’s instructions, deliberately asking her to explain debit and credit again and again. Once she used a strange example:

“When a mother throws a slipper at her child’s face…”

“That’s child’s account debit to chappal account,” she said.

In school, I used to flex my ledger-making skills instead of maths. “This is what commerce people do,” I’d say. I even snuck into other batches to practice GST. But the truth? I never really understood debit and credit. And soon enough, I forgot everything about Tally.

Before I can face any job, I have to face my ITI final practical exam tomorrow.

Exams and Jobs

Don’t expect anything mushy about today’s date. I already wished her a “Happy Breakup Day” — that felt necessary. I’m just being honest now: the interest is gone. I’m no longer the same child, waiting around for reasons that don’t exist.

These days, my life runs on a strange autopilot.

Why do I keep walking with her in silence?

Don’t judge me — I know I started with something emotional and then jumped straight into a sci-fi puzzle game. Life does that too, doesn’t it? Jumps from one chapter to another without asking.

When I started playing Portal, I thought it was just a clever little puzzle game where you use portals to pass through levels. Just physics, science, and strategy. But as I progressed, I realized — this wasn’t a game. This was… something else.

A calm, robotic voice guided me. A program, yes — but one with sarcasm, doubt, and strange encouragement.

“You can’t do this,” she’d say, “Just give up already.”

“Oh nice, you did it. I was joking, actually… testing your determination.”

Was she supporting me, or just playing me?

She promised cake once I finished all the tests. That alone felt fishy. Who offers cake for science experiments?

“You will be baked… then there will be cake.”

As I navigated deeper, I found scribbles in hidden rooms—

That one line whispered more truth than everything she had said.

No jokes. No instructions. Just silence and a mechanical path toward a burning furnace.

“All tests are over,” she said. “You can die now.”

And for a moment… I believed her. I accepted it.

“Hey, what are you doing?” her voice said, half-curious, half-angry.

No more structured levels. No more rules.

A sarcastic AI who seemed like a friend, but turned out to be the villain.

The screen faded… and a song began to play.

Every line poked at my victory like it wasn’t real.

Sometimes, the systems you’re trapped in feel like home.

The voice telling you what to do… feels familiar.

But when you finally break out of it, when you escape — you realize:

The Best Game I Ever Played (literally)

Yet I said sorry to that stranger girl without looking at her face, just as my reflex.

“Oh… because Aradhna is beside you”

“I am not like this, even when no one is around” 

Ok… I didn’t lie, but why the fuck I blushed.

Scenario: Alam, Aradhna and I were roaming out of ITI in search of ice cream. Why? Because I was not ready to accept the 20Rs which I once gave Aradhna for an emergency help. Yet, she bought a sugar filled cold drink. I asked her to give an ice cream treat in favour. Don’t laugh. I know it’s my own money getting spend, but it’s not about money or I should say 20Rs are nothing in front of paneer momos or a party worth 250Rs where…

“Sorry guys, I have to go. I am getting late for tuitions”

Is anyone supposed to interrupt me? No! These guys, I mean these FEA guys are like this only.

“What happened Muskan, don’t you want to eat anything. Everybody is feasting already”

“Sorry. We don’t have any 10Rs, 20Rs, 25Rs, or any other ice cream. All over”

Soon, my anxiety said that, since morning I acted up like Sigma and focused on Steno and PYQ for my final semester, then why did I agree to join them all of a sudden? I don’t know. May be to avoid…

“Ravi, ice cream was out of stock. Because you didn’t come with us”

“Today Ravi is with us, that’s why we didn’t get”

Finally I ended up the upcoming loop by asking her a simple lassi… oh sorry, “smooth” treat.

Now I am guilty of my actions. Kind of guilty of misunderstandings that I supported, between me and Aradhna. Even she is trapped. It was actually good hearing…

“Ravi, you know Aradhna called, and she was asking about you. I said he is studying.”

“You know Eram, we are just side gigs. The actual treat was for Aradhna.”

“I recently asked about you. And she said yes”

“We thought you won’t go because Aradhna denied. So we didn’t ask you”

And when I asked her directly, actually indirectly.

“Hm… thanks. Now I believe you 10%”

“You should have chosen first 2 options”

Even if I am not playing this game, it’s hard to loose. Until I control…

“Even though Swati is getting married, she was good for you. I would have come to your marriage no matter how far the venue might be”

“Sir! Vaibhav wants me to feed him with my hands”

“He might have seen you feeding somebody. May be Alamara”

“Ravi must have enjoyed his relationship”

 boys of my class said while I ate lunch with them.

“Look him, how seriously he is staring at me. You don’t have to be that serious”

In all the cases I couldn’t say anything but to smile at their stupid thoughts.

Depression and Misunderstandings

This time, I didn’t wait for anyone. I informed them, of course—just enough so they wouldn’t pin the blame on me later. That’s when it hit me: punctuality isn’t about time—it’s about not waiting for others.

Despite having the event pass, I had no internet. So I did the only sensible thing: took screenshots of the route and the offline map. Lesson learned from my last misadventure—Rajdhani College, lost and defeated, retreating home. A wise person might say, “Why not just recharge your phone?” like Alamara did once. But honestly, I have no one to talk to. And someone like me—who thinks learning shorthand through screenshot lessons is cooler than buying books—doesn’t recharge so easily. Logic, right?

With my offline map and limited hope, I made a stop at Bilal’s place. He was, predictably, asleep. I reminded him of Volfest and left. Asking directions from strangers, I eventually reached the venue—this time, on time. We had a better stall this year: a wider table, no awkward overlaps with neighboring stalls.

I got busy decorating, doing whatever I could. Then came Amit—always loud, always bossy.

“Everyone’s working. What are you doing?”

“Who do you think made all these decorations?” I shot back.

Usually, I avoid confronting Amit. He believes he’s always right—and I let him believe that. His wrong decisions always reveal themselves in time.

Everything was predictable until the FEA group arrived. That’s the only name I have for them: Shilpi, Jyoti Ma’am, Vishal, Ayub, Bilal (with his so-called ‘muh-boli’ girlfriend), and a whole list of others.

“Are they your friends?” asked a girl from the NGO.

At first, I tried to act mature and professional. But seeing them laugh and enjoy, I gave in. I ditched the stallkeeper’s role and joined the games myself.

The first was a cup-and-ball challenge. You throw three balls—one needs to land in a cup. If it does, you get a dare.

Ball 3: Miss—but it bounced into the cup.

“Congrats! Time for a dare,” someone cheered.

What?! I had made these dares myself—I never thought I’d actually do one.

Dare: Flip a bottle. Every time you fail, make a promise to society.

“I’ll treat my friends to a party… every day! No—today!” someone shouted.

“I’ll always be a good friend,” Bilal claimed.

“I won’t throw even a single toffee wrapper,” I lied.

“I won’t break anyone’s heart.” Lie again.

“I’ll plant a tree once a year.” Another lie.

Eventually, I gave up. The guilt of all those false promises outweighed the fun.

Later, while roaming with the group, someone asked, pointing to Bilal’s girlfriend,

I kept guessing names like it was a game show. “Pooja!” Bilal interrupted.

That’s when I realized: my poor memory might just ruin someone’s relationship—or situationship.

Anyway, her makeup and attitude repelled me. I didn’t care to interact.

They eventually left for Lodhi Garden. Only Shilpi stayed back.

“Everyone’s changed, haven’t they?” she said.

“They came all decked up. Look at me.”

“Volfest isn’t a fashion show. You’re fine.”

“Maybe Volfest wasn’t even their first plan.”

We spent the rest of the day exploring the passport activities—a little booklet with mini-challenges. The more heart stickers you earned, the better your prize.

We played Snake & Ladder, completed dares, did surveys, pretended to be blind. That’s what Volfest is—chaos, creativity, and games.

Shilpi had to leave early. I walked her to the metro. On the way, she got a peek into my “relationship history.”

What could a depressed person say to another one sharing their sad story?

Just one line: “My life’s worse than yours.”

I arrived early—too early. That’s why we have this unwritten rule: always come half an hour late to NGO events. Even the NGO follows it.

We set up the stall quickly. While waiting for visitors, I suggested exploring the passport games again. This time, it was me and Jyoti—our new mission: win the grand prize, even if we had to bend the rules.

To be fair, I already had a stash of stickers from Day 1.

“Wow, Ravi! How do you have so many?”

“Hard work,” I smiled. (Smart work, actually.)

You might call it cheating. But remember: I’m a product of society.

The 2 Days of Happiness


It’s 3:30am, I’m still awake. No need to surprise as it’s the daily routine since ITI had closed. I just had to wake up, join the Google meet for attendance, then fall asleep again if there is nothing to do. Is it really me? Yep…
I haven’t been writing anything since long, Sobhit being my new diary. Of course, it feels better to share things to a person hearing you than typing in a journalling app.
Anyway, ITI has opened, but I have taken a few days break, not because of my depleting health but because of BOARDS. Not mine. Yet, I am doing this because they pay me 8k.

No plans ahead… not even after Veena wants me to teach maths for the next academic year. Choosing between private and government is getting a nightmare as long as I keep wasting time…


 Diya said, one of my 9th class students.


“Then you have a lot of time. Why did you say…”

 That’s what I said to her, when she asked what I had to become.

Her question had forced me to introspect.
Am I really wasting my time or trying to run the fastest in the race. The race where people try to find the best job but end up in call centres. Sometimes it’s not just the race but responsibilities. At least, I am not in a race to marry… like her.

Anyway, let’s try a government job as a stenographer this year and ultimately shift to a private job as a software engineer by next year as soon as I receive my final degree. So that I don’t have any guilt of either having MCA degree or Stenography certificate.

And that’s what I said…


“…ending up as a software engineer with 1 lack+ monthly salary!!”
“That’s what we were waiting for!”

Plans Ahead

Let’s get inspired from spidy and try again…
***
Special thanks to Stephen, 13dost, and others who keep me going, even in hard times.
***

It’s 12:30am midnight, my eyes open but ITIs closed. So, no need to worry. As an expected schedule I have to wake up early, go to park for exercise, eat 4 boiled eggs, work on steno, have lunch, study again, watch anime or have a nap for breaks. In the evening, it’s fix to teach for 3hrs and 1 hour in travelling. Then sleep at night.
4 hours are nothing if it pays me more than 10k, feels like a salary, isn’t it? It is now common, when I promise someone to find a teacher, then I myself get hired. Haha… at least, I am not teaching single student batches any more.

Though the year has started, I am working hard for nothing. There are no more new targets. Have I achieved everything or given up already?
**Phone rings**


“Bro! Where are you??”
“Did you count how many times we had called you? Just come home already!”
“OK. I am on my way…”


I remembered, what had happened when I denied Ayush’s invitation on my… sorry his birthday. So I joined their party before the new year countdown. Although I contributed by singing 

 and a bunch of cringe songs on mike loud. I was not in my senses at all. I just joined them.




Not Ayush, but I had denied Shilpi. Actually I said yes first, then no and finally decided to go. Isn’t it getting relatable? Hm… anyway. I reached the stand by 12pm of the new year, then everybody arrived, or say most of the strangers arrived.


 I thought as there were 13 of us (I counted from the group photo next day). Despite the crowd, we five (Shilpi, Ayub, Arun, Anshu and I) were busy taking our own special group photos. Hm…OK.



She is the one who has dared to speak against Vishal sir in FEA, in the same batch of Shilpi, Ayub, Bilal, etc. and me as a graduate. I just used to agree to her without even knowing the matter.


 in slow pace.
And the metro arrived as soon as I stated to think what should I say next.

Currently, I am teaching at the institute named after Suvani’s younger sister…


“Veena Vadini is the name of Saraswati”

 Suvani replied to my question while we were on our way to home. She continued…


“And she is blessed. Whatever she puts her hands on, it flourishes!”
“Hm… Then let her put her hand on me”

 I said.
Everyone glared at me for a second and started laughing. 

 Shilpi said. Everyone was still laughing.



“Ravi, why don’t you say anything?”

Period of Change - 5

Yet build them with bangle box always with joy

Crawled them line by line, just like a bookworm

I played marbles and trump cards without cash

Yet earned a lot, the money from the trash

I threw them all as soon as I was promoted to 6th

If I didn’t, mom will burns them all, that was fixed

All Blogs

Job Search

Exams and Jobs

The Best Game I Ever Played (literally)

Depression and Misunderstandings

The 2 Days of Happiness

Plans Ahead

Period of Change - 5

My Life as a Poem

A Depressing Blog

Chapter X

Recovery

The ITI Guys -2

The ITI Guys

Grandparents

That innocent face

Am I a Sample?

Another day in Tuglakabad

A Week Relationship

The phase of confusion

College Days

Back to Present

The Pre-College Days

The Period of Change - 4

Life in Lockdown

Introspection of Mistakes

The Farewell

The End of School Life

Teacher's Day

The Period of Change - 3

Strange Stories of Friendship

The RPVV Picnic

The Period of Change - 2

Incomplete Days

The people I know

Thought goes on...

Boring Days & Secret Powers

The Science Experiment

Regular Days - New Stories

The Period of Change

The CBT Contest

Stories of 2016

Stories of 2015

Icspireins Diary

My Story