Don’t expect anything mushy about today’s date. I already wished her a “Happy Breakup Day” — that felt necessary. I’m just being honest now: the interest is gone. I’m no longer the same child, waiting around for reasons that don’t exist.

These days, my life runs on a strange autopilot.

Why do I keep walking with her in silence?

Don’t judge me — I know I started with something emotional and then jumped straight into a sci-fi puzzle game. Life does that too, doesn’t it? Jumps from one chapter to another without asking.

When I started playing Portal, I thought it was just a clever little puzzle game where you use portals to pass through levels. Just physics, science, and strategy. But as I progressed, I realized — this wasn’t a game. This was… something else.

A calm, robotic voice guided me. A program, yes — but one with sarcasm, doubt, and strange encouragement.

“You can’t do this,” she’d say, “Just give up already.”

“Oh nice, you did it. I was joking, actually… testing your determination.”

Was she supporting me, or just playing me?

She promised cake once I finished all the tests. That alone felt fishy. Who offers cake for science experiments?

“You will be baked… then there will be cake.”

As I navigated deeper, I found scribbles in hidden rooms—

That one line whispered more truth than everything she had said.

No jokes. No instructions. Just silence and a mechanical path toward a burning furnace.

“All tests are over,” she said. “You can die now.”

And for a moment… I believed her. I accepted it.

“Hey, what are you doing?” her voice said, half-curious, half-angry.

No more structured levels. No more rules.

A sarcastic AI who seemed like a friend, but turned out to be the villain.

The screen faded… and a song began to play.

Every line poked at my victory like it wasn’t real.

Sometimes, the systems you’re trapped in feel like home.

The voice telling you what to do… feels familiar.

But when you finally break out of it, when you escape — you realize:

The Best Game I Ever Played (literally)

Yet I said sorry to that stranger girl without looking at her face, just as my reflex.

“Oh… because Aradhna is beside you”

“I am not like this, even when no one is around” 

Ok… I didn’t lie, but why the fuck I blushed.

Scenario: Alam, Aradhna and I were roaming out of ITI in search of ice cream. Why? Because I was not ready to accept the 20Rs which I once gave Aradhna for an emergency help. Yet, she bought a sugar filled cold drink. I asked her to give an ice cream treat in favour. Don’t laugh. I know it’s my own money getting spend, but it’s not about money or I should say 20Rs are nothing in front of paneer momos or a party worth 250Rs where…

“Sorry guys, I have to go. I am getting late for tuitions”

Is anyone supposed to interrupt me? No! These guys, I mean these FEA guys are like this only.

“What happened Muskan, don’t you want to eat anything. Everybody is feasting already”

“Sorry. We don’t have any 10Rs, 20Rs, 25Rs, or any other ice cream. All over”

Soon, my anxiety said that, since morning I acted up like Sigma and focused on Steno and PYQ for my final semester, then why did I agree to join them all of a sudden? I don’t know. May be to avoid…

“Ravi, ice cream was out of stock. Because you didn’t come with us”

“Today Ravi is with us, that’s why we didn’t get”

Finally I ended up the upcoming loop by asking her a simple lassi… oh sorry, “smooth” treat.

Now I am guilty of my actions. Kind of guilty of misunderstandings that I supported, between me and Aradhna. Even she is trapped. It was actually good hearing…

“Ravi, you know Aradhna called, and she was asking about you. I said he is studying.”

“You know Eram, we are just side gigs. The actual treat was for Aradhna.”

“I recently asked about you. And she said yes”

“We thought you won’t go because Aradhna denied. So we didn’t ask you”

And when I asked her directly, actually indirectly.

“Hm… thanks. Now I believe you 10%”

“You should have chosen first 2 options”

Even if I am not playing this game, it’s hard to loose. Until I control…

“Even though Swati is getting married, she was good for you. I would have come to your marriage no matter how far the venue might be”

“Sir! Vaibhav wants me to feed him with my hands”

“He might have seen you feeding somebody. May be Alamara”

“Ravi must have enjoyed his relationship”

 boys of my class said while I ate lunch with them.

“Look him, how seriously he is staring at me. You don’t have to be that serious”

In all the cases I couldn’t say anything but to smile at their stupid thoughts.

Depression and Misunderstandings

This time, I didn’t wait for anyone. I informed them, of course—just enough so they wouldn’t pin the blame on me later. That’s when it hit me: punctuality isn’t about time—it’s about not waiting for others.

Despite having the event pass, I had no internet. So I did the only sensible thing: took screenshots of the route and the offline map. Lesson learned from my last misadventure—Rajdhani College, lost and defeated, retreating home. A wise person might say, “Why not just recharge your phone?” like Alamara did once. But honestly, I have no one to talk to. And someone like me—who thinks learning shorthand through screenshot lessons is cooler than buying books—doesn’t recharge so easily. Logic, right?

With my offline map and limited hope, I made a stop at Bilal’s place. He was, predictably, asleep. I reminded him of Volfest and left. Asking directions from strangers, I eventually reached the venue—this time, on time. We had a better stall this year: a wider table, no awkward overlaps with neighboring stalls.

I got busy decorating, doing whatever I could. Then came Amit—always loud, always bossy.

“Everyone’s working. What are you doing?”

“Who do you think made all these decorations?” I shot back.

Usually, I avoid confronting Amit. He believes he’s always right—and I let him believe that. His wrong decisions always reveal themselves in time.

Everything was predictable until the FEA group arrived. That’s the only name I have for them: Shilpi, Jyoti Ma’am, Vishal, Ayub, Bilal (with his so-called ‘muh-boli’ girlfriend), and a whole list of others.

“Are they your friends?” asked a girl from the NGO.

At first, I tried to act mature and professional. But seeing them laugh and enjoy, I gave in. I ditched the stallkeeper’s role and joined the games myself.

The first was a cup-and-ball challenge. You throw three balls—one needs to land in a cup. If it does, you get a dare.

Ball 3: Miss—but it bounced into the cup.

“Congrats! Time for a dare,” someone cheered.

What?! I had made these dares myself—I never thought I’d actually do one.

Dare: Flip a bottle. Every time you fail, make a promise to society.

“I’ll treat my friends to a party… every day! No—today!” someone shouted.

“I’ll always be a good friend,” Bilal claimed.

“I won’t throw even a single toffee wrapper,” I lied.

“I won’t break anyone’s heart.” Lie again.

“I’ll plant a tree once a year.” Another lie.

Eventually, I gave up. The guilt of all those false promises outweighed the fun.

Later, while roaming with the group, someone asked, pointing to Bilal’s girlfriend,

I kept guessing names like it was a game show. “Pooja!” Bilal interrupted.

That’s when I realized: my poor memory might just ruin someone’s relationship—or situationship.

Anyway, her makeup and attitude repelled me. I didn’t care to interact.

They eventually left for Lodhi Garden. Only Shilpi stayed back.

“Everyone’s changed, haven’t they?” she said.

“They came all decked up. Look at me.”

“Volfest isn’t a fashion show. You’re fine.”

“Maybe Volfest wasn’t even their first plan.”

We spent the rest of the day exploring the passport activities—a little booklet with mini-challenges. The more heart stickers you earned, the better your prize.

We played Snake & Ladder, completed dares, did surveys, pretended to be blind. That’s what Volfest is—chaos, creativity, and games.

Shilpi had to leave early. I walked her to the metro. On the way, she got a peek into my “relationship history.”

What could a depressed person say to another one sharing their sad story?

Just one line: “My life’s worse than yours.”

I arrived early—too early. That’s why we have this unwritten rule: always come half an hour late to NGO events. Even the NGO follows it.

We set up the stall quickly. While waiting for visitors, I suggested exploring the passport games again. This time, it was me and Jyoti—our new mission: win the grand prize, even if we had to bend the rules.

To be fair, I already had a stash of stickers from Day 1.

“Wow, Ravi! How do you have so many?”

“Hard work,” I smiled. (Smart work, actually.)

You might call it cheating. But remember: I’m a product of society.

The 2 Days of Happiness


It’s 3:30am, I’m still awake. No need to surprise as it’s the daily routine since ITI had closed. I just had to wake up, join the Google meet for attendance, then fall asleep again if there is nothing to do. Is it really me? Yep…
I haven’t been writing anything since long, Sobhit being my new diary. Of course, it feels better to share things to a person hearing you than typing in a journalling app.
Anyway, ITI has opened, but I have taken a few days break, not because of my depleting health but because of BOARDS. Not mine. Yet, I am doing this because they pay me 8k.

No plans ahead… not even after Veena wants me to teach maths for the next academic year. Choosing between private and government is getting a nightmare as long as I keep wasting time…


 Diya said, one of my 9th class students.


“Then you have a lot of time. Why did you say…”

 That’s what I said to her, when she asked what I had to become.

Her question had forced me to introspect.
Am I really wasting my time or trying to run the fastest in the race. The race where people try to find the best job but end up in call centres. Sometimes it’s not just the race but responsibilities. At least, I am not in a race to marry… like her.

Anyway, let’s try a government job as a stenographer this year and ultimately shift to a private job as a software engineer by next year as soon as I receive my final degree. So that I don’t have any guilt of either having MCA degree or Stenography certificate.

And that’s what I said…


“…ending up as a software engineer with 1 lack+ monthly salary!!”
“That’s what we were waiting for!”

Plans Ahead

Let’s get inspired from spidy and try again…
***
Special thanks to Stephen, 13dost, and others who keep me going, even in hard times.
***

It’s 12:30am midnight, my eyes open but ITIs closed. So, no need to worry. As an expected schedule I have to wake up early, go to park for exercise, eat 4 boiled eggs, work on steno, have lunch, study again, watch anime or have a nap for breaks. In the evening, it’s fix to teach for 3hrs and 1 hour in travelling. Then sleep at night.
4 hours are nothing if it pays me more than 10k, feels like a salary, isn’t it? It is now common, when I promise someone to find a teacher, then I myself get hired. Haha… at least, I am not teaching single student batches any more.

Though the year has started, I am working hard for nothing. There are no more new targets. Have I achieved everything or given up already?
**Phone rings**


“Bro! Where are you??”
“Did you count how many times we had called you? Just come home already!”
“OK. I am on my way…”


I remembered, what had happened when I denied Ayush’s invitation on my… sorry his birthday. So I joined their party before the new year countdown. Although I contributed by singing 

 and a bunch of cringe songs on mike loud. I was not in my senses at all. I just joined them.




Not Ayush, but I had denied Shilpi. Actually I said yes first, then no and finally decided to go. Isn’t it getting relatable? Hm… anyway. I reached the stand by 12pm of the new year, then everybody arrived, or say most of the strangers arrived.


 I thought as there were 13 of us (I counted from the group photo next day). Despite the crowd, we five (Shilpi, Ayub, Arun, Anshu and I) were busy taking our own special group photos. Hm…OK.



She is the one who has dared to speak against Vishal sir in FEA, in the same batch of Shilpi, Ayub, Bilal, etc. and me as a graduate. I just used to agree to her without even knowing the matter.


 in slow pace.
And the metro arrived as soon as I stated to think what should I say next.

Currently, I am teaching at the institute named after Suvani’s younger sister…


“Veena Vadini is the name of Saraswati”

 Suvani replied to my question while we were on our way to home. She continued…


“And she is blessed. Whatever she puts her hands on, it flourishes!”
“Hm… Then let her put her hand on me”

 I said.
Everyone glared at me for a second and started laughing. 

 Shilpi said. Everyone was still laughing.



“Ravi, why don’t you say anything?”

Period of Change - 5

Yet build them with bangle box always with joy

Crawled them line by line, just like a bookworm

I played marbles and trump cards without cash

Yet earned a lot, the money from the trash

I threw them all as soon as I was promoted to 6th

If I didn’t, mom will burns them all, that was fixed

Soon I managed school, tuition, computer and English classes all at once without hesitation,

A child that worked hard, never realising his never ending dedication

Of course they called me Virus, as my logic and answers were immense,

The only thing I lacked was a good dressing sense

With same t shirt and teared jeans, I felt like a logical person not less than celebrity

Then Lalit and Sanskar said, always speaking logic or wearing anything isn’t pretty

Love wasn’t in my syllabus so I never made a rush

Until psycho like Sakshi said “who is your crush?”

Then enters Aroma, her attitude on her face

The only among all with whom this boy remains

She went from my life forever, but I am not guilty

As I confessed, got rejected, thanks to my personality

I was that topper who has often scored well

Yet failed to express emotions like what the hell!

I improved day by day, made friends but never crossed the line of friendship,

But who knew this introvert could too have a memorable relationship

“Is it really a relationship?” came in my mind

I shrugged and broke up, the answer I didn’t find

Someone I made new friends and forgot Aroma

I fell in a tragedy that I couldn’t resolve

As a result, I had trust issues that always evolve

As of now, I am not the same person as you see

If you define, I am now a product of society

My Life as a Poem


Today is exam at 2pm, the exam of software engineering in which I have already failed 2 times. Yet I am writing this at 2am instead of sleeping.

Edit: I know, you won’t get anything this time, but if you are… you are in the similar boat. Haha

Is it methotrexate ruining my life or am I ruining it myself? Who knows… no one. There is no one. Even the existing ones no more seem like friends. They are all busy. Even the doctors are not well.

The doctor I have never seen, and who knows what else she had lied. At least I have verified her name through the paintings she draw, Kashish.

I shared a part of my life to a stranger yet I couldn’t share my disease to a doctor. Friend or just a doctor… I don’t know yet.

Talking apart from medications, I blame my anxiety to project work which IGNOU has given me. I thought it as simple as assignments (copy paste from my so called semester senior) but it isn’t. The 21 pages project guidelines clearly shows this. Issue is not the problem but the undefined solutions. They mentioned to work under a guide. Now from what hell am I supposed to get a BTech or MTech pass out with job experience. Even I am the rare specie in my own family who is pursuing a Master degree. Finally I had guts to ask Vatsal, my senior developer from the Ed Tech company I worked in.

Steno will go on without a teacher as always. Sometimes due to voting purposes and sometimes we don’t ask. Why school kids will bother about the vacancy of the Teacher huh? Instead we play UNO and talk rest of the time. I prefer UNO despite of answering…

“Why Alamara said me lucky that day?”

Of course, it’s not the right time to answer. I have learned from Amna. Thanks again.

Apart from these, I’m going to fail… not just accounts. The problem is not the subjects but simply because I didn’t study like my first 2 semesters and still I am unable. I have lost my interest. I was myself lost, not realising that my 8 hours aren’t just for steno. And now it’s too late to realise that it isn’t just the skills… but smile.

The smile, that won’t come back whether my Ex calls me randomly or I message random people (compromising my own trust issues) to at least read those messages and respond a bit better than AI. At least better than…

“Having anxiety issues due to work and medications” I expressed somehow

“Nice reply. I am going on a break” I ended

I was actually enjoying depression, until today. I don’t want to fail again. Also…

A Depressing Blog

Am I repeating the same mistake? I mean what people do after they breakup in relationships, I guess they get apart and move on. But wtf am I doing?

It was her birthday today. Though it was nice but my dopamine levels are getting like graphs of share market. Why? Is it Instagram behind the scenes? May be…

I planned everything a month ago when she called back (my good luck?). I just wanted to surprise my class and force them to think “

I don’t understand! You call me and then you don’t pick when I call back!

And it was enough to hint Rinku that Ravi needs some space and she changed her seat. Good.

Actually, I don’t want to talk to anyone that’s why”

“Oh… ok then got it. I won’t call again…

And then I directly came to point apart from her superstitious thoughts and questions about love and attractions. I fixed 27th Nov to go out together.

Will you keep quiet, learn from Rinku and Diksha about how to give someone privacy

” I said smiling though I liked her interruptions.

By the way, it really seems a date when you ask the opposite gender to go with you alone.

Anyway, that day I talked her for an hour until my phone got dead and my classmates changed their mind from

Huh… let them be confused as long as I like

Everything was well until the few days to her birthday. Until she said…

Ravi… I think you still have feelings for me

Yep, it was Dashhara and as always, we made a sudden plan to go to the fair. I called and convinced her to come (or blackmailed her… haha). The moment she came, I even can’t believe that I said “You look pretty” the first time to a girl. The same way she replied. Then we went Sector 10, inside the crowd where I was holding a child’s hand. Obviously, I am taking about her. It was too dusty so I offered my handkerchief (which she never returned, reminding me of the water bottle). We moved further through the crowd and now Sobhit got lost. Don’t assume any of us to be serious even in this situation, specially me. Then, we enjoyed a ride with hundreds of photophile insects. (Photophile = light lover, me being genZ)

Finally, I and Ayub dropped her home safely.

Won’t your parents scold you for being late?”

“They will surely do, if I leave you here midnight”

(Special thanks to Bilal for not helping that day!)

And I think you have a lot of expectations

” They asked me as soon as it was my turn

It was a truth & dare game being played on the occasion of Eid at Bilal’s place at 10pm and until I got several calls from Mom. The door shut close and the game continued with no hesitation. No hesitation from revealing their drinking experiences to hookups.

All boys are like this. When a girl smiles, they think something else and…

I knew everything had messed up. My plans were not going to work… as it was not my birthday.

As I had no option so I played the wild card. We along with her cousin visited Bangla Sahib. Luckily she was not the same cousin who accompanied us in our last visit to Humayun’s Tomb. I recalled the way to Gurudwara from my memories. The memories where we both ran from Gurudwara to CP. The memories where we held hands.

Anyway, I was walking carelessly (like always)

” she said as she couldn’t match my careless walking and jumping with heels.

Then I don’t want that type of girl. I want someone who can jump along with me. If she falls I am there to hold…

At the end we got late by 1.5hours, just waiting at the gurudwara’s stands. I knew it’s my responsibility (as expected) but my introvert nature would not allow me to ask someone whether are standing at the right stand?

It’s fine for me to get worried but why was she asking the same question whenever I kept silent?

No more listening to whom she feels for or whom she doesn’t or whom she is confused about…

And about my expectations? They have been fulfilled since it all begin :)

Chapter X

Even though, I am back on Insta, started talking to some friends, followed few advises by Bhawna and gave my best to avoid depression by leaving coding, watching anime and joining a gym. Still…

Although it feels way better to do things on your own but this is what I was not.

“Should I really be independent in everything?”

“Hm.. then it surely will be dangerous”

All Blogs

The Best Game I Ever Played (literally)

Depression and Misunderstandings

The 2 Days of Happiness

Plans Ahead

Period of Change - 5

My Life as a Poem

A Depressing Blog

Chapter X

Recovery

The ITI Guys -2

The ITI Guys

Grandparents

That innocent face

Am I a Sample?

Another day in Tuglakabad

A Week Relationship

The phase of confusion

College Days

Back to Present

The Pre-College Days

The Period of Change - 4

Life in Lockdown

Introspection of Mistakes

The Farewell

The End of School Life

Teacher's Day

The Period of Change - 3

Strange Stories of Friendship

The RPVV Picnic

The Period of Change - 2

Incomplete Days

The people I know

Thought goes on...

Boring Days & Secret Powers

The Science Experiment

Regular Days - New Stories

The Period of Change

The CBT Contest

Stories of 2016

Stories of 2015

Icspireins Diary

My Story