A Depressing Blog
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  • 25th Dec, 2024 (Christmas?)


  • Today is exam at 2pm, the exam of software engineering in which I have already failed 2 times. Yet I am writing this at 2am instead of sleeping.
  • Edit: I know, you won’t get anything this time, but if you are… you are in the similar boat. Haha

  • Is it methotrexate ruining my life or am I ruining it myself? Who knows… no one. There is no one. Even the existing ones no more seem like friends. They are all busy. Even the doctors are not well.
  • The doctor I have never seen, and who knows what else she had lied. At least I have verified her name through the paintings she draw, Kashish.
  • I shared a part of my life to a stranger yet I couldn’t share my disease to a doctor. Friend or just a doctor… I don’t know yet.

  • Talking apart from medications, I blame my anxiety to project work which IGNOU has given me. I thought it as simple as assignments (copy paste from my so called semester senior) but it isn’t. The 21 pages project guidelines clearly shows this. Issue is not the problem but the undefined solutions. They mentioned to work under a guide. Now from what hell am I supposed to get a BTech or MTech pass out with job experience. Even I am the rare specie in my own family who is pursuing a Master degree. Finally I had guts to ask Vatsal, my senior developer from the Ed Tech company I worked in.

  • Steno will go on without a teacher as always. Sometimes due to voting purposes and sometimes we don’t ask. Why school kids will bother about the vacancy of the Teacher huh? Instead we play UNO and talk rest of the time. I prefer UNO despite of answering…
  • “Why Alamara said me lucky that day?”
  • Of course, it’s not the right time to answer. I have learned from Amna. Thanks again.

  • Apart from these, I’m going to fail… not just accounts. The problem is not the subjects but simply because I didn’t study like my first 2 semesters and still I am unable. I have lost my interest. I was myself lost, not realising that my 8 hours aren’t just for steno. And now it’s too late to realise that it isn’t just the skills… but smile.
  • The smile, that won’t come back whether my Ex calls me randomly or I message random people (compromising my own trust issues) to at least read those messages and respond a bit better than AI. At least better than…
  • “Having anxiety issues due to work and medications” I expressed somehow
  • “Axha” she, (I mean the doctor) said
  • “Nice reply. I am going on a break” I ended
  • Huh…

  • I was actually enjoying depression, until today. I don’t want to fail again. Also…

  • I won’t give exams again.

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